Today is one of those days where anything that can go wrong did go wrong. I'm trying really hard to stay positive but it's really becoming really hard. What are you to do when you feel dead yet everyone around you thinks you have this amazing life? Every day is a struggle....its like every day I have to give myself reasons why I need to keep pushing on. But to be perfectly honest, Im over it. All of it. I wonder if they would notice if I wasn't here....probably not. I mean I here now and Im invisible.

What if....

Its been nearly two years since I posted anything on this blog. I don't write it under the guise that anyone will see it. Honestly I think I'm just writing to get it out. My heart is so conflicted right now. You ever just feel....lost? Well that's where I am. I keep thinking I'm making the right decisions but honestly I have no idea....


How ironic is it that I wrote that intro 3 years ago yet here I am in the same exact position. I don't think I ever imagined that at 31 I would still have absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. You see I've always done what was expected of me, the safe thing. I graduated from high school, stayed close and went to college, graduated and went to college again and got my Masters. Finally got a decent job...on paper it seemed like I had a pretty good life. Or at least that's what it seemed like.

Let me let you all in on a secret...I am scared. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and it feels like I'm just floating along....no plan...no anchor...just floating. And I have no idea how to make it better and that sucks.

Everyday I leave my house and put on my mask. A mask of cheer, hope, excitement,,,,,a huge smile. Everyone always says "Michelle I just love being around you because you're always so happy." If only they knew....that happiness they love so much is a facade. None of it is real....most days on the inside I feel like I'm standing in the street suffocating and no one can see me. No one can help me.